Is it Love?
There was alcohol involved like there usually is but its the repercussions that leave you contemplating your own actions.
We met up twice more afterward with the intention of sharing this moment again. That's how great the moment was.
She was tired so first time around, I just let her rest on my chest. Snuggling together with music playing as we stare fondly at each other and my rotating ceiling fan.
Next time around, I initiated it and thought about the experience the first time, bringing my expectations higher. Saliva swapped intensely yet softly, she sits on my lap with only one piece of clothing left on us; our underwear.
What really pushed me over the cliff into this never-ending freefall that I presume to be love is her pauses...Slowly separating our lips and staring deep into my eyes, she smiles. Repeatedly. As if she was trying to savor the experience knowing what would happen next.
And what happened next was painful, to say the least. A rope was thrown to help me come back up from the freefall. It was her deciding it best to not take our relationship to the next level. To instead find her love interest in another man. One of my friends.
In his defense, he didn't know about anything that happened between us. We kept it very tightly under wraps. So his shot actually hit something. And now I'm stuck. You gave me such pure moments of bliss that I haven't experience with anyone before. And this supposed mutual connection, was only one way? You would pick him over me?
I didn't explain her reasoning in this yet. I met her through one of her friends who would end up interested in me. The girls were roommates. Her friend I met through the guy she is talking to now. However, from my eyes, they didn't share much interaction at all. The friend would invite me over and we snuggled, watched a tv series but I wasn't all that interested. So I told her my feelings. Yet the friend still wanted me around and brought me over to one day get to know the girl.
All of my jokes, sexual innuendos, went over her roommate's head yet she picked it up and laughed. I got her contact information and texted her secretly while on that couch with all three of us on it. She tells me about her birthday that just passed and her wish to have sex with whipped cream. Truly a keeper haha.
I, being a nice guy, wanted to get her something. Nothing big so I asked if I could. Of course, she denied it, saying I don't need to get her anything. So I offered the bottle of liquor I bought recently. This bottle was for my self but I wouldn't mind. She agreed. It was late so we planned for the weekend.
That weekend came and her roommate wasn't there. None of her roommates were there. Just me and her. We opened the bottle of Cointreau with orange juice and sat down to watch Netflix. At first, we left a space between us. Then I asked if we could snuggle up. She already knew of my feelings towards her roommate. Now in contact, I can smell the fresh smell of shampoo and scents radiating from her body.
Eventually, we ended up spooning with her my little spoon. During some part of the movie, she turns to me and steals a kiss. A kiss that didn't end on the couch. I picked her up and brought her to the bed. Slightly struggling because of the alcohol I stumble into her room. Clothes flying, hormones raging and my tent pitched we were ready.
She questioned my intentions and if this would be just a meaningless one nightstand. I never want any moment I share with someone to be meaningless. I told her I wouldn't leave her. Not if she didn't ask me to. Relieved she finally stared deep into my eyes as I penetrated her. Slowly and gently we became connected...
Now all I have is the memory of it. The time we shared is all I can see. Now seeing you talking to this man brings me great pains. Even now, with him not by your side, I feel like I can get you back. The level we shared wasn't something minor. But In my heart I know I shouldn't make your choice harder than it already is. You choose him over me so your friend didn't have to bear it. That is what it comes down to. Now my struggle is whether I should find out the level you two have reached even though it's not my business or to ask not to see you anymore.
And that would hurt even more. I would eventually forget about it, become numb to your presence if you were no longer there. And the thought of it is scary. All my life I looked for someone to fall in love with. And it was over before it even started.
Was it love at all?
